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Mad You Say/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You ever notice how technology sucks us in and then ridicules us? Like back in the '50s, if you were the first one to have a tv antenna on your roof, you got a lot of respect. These days, if you're the last house to have one, you get a lot of bird droppings. You know it's ugly and you know you're not using it anymore 'cause now you're on cable or even better, you're on your neighbour's cable, but how do you get the antenna off there? You're getting a little long in the tooth to be climbing up on the roof what with the bad knees and the higher center of gravity. But you still got imagination. So go down to the wreckers and get yourself a steering wheel. Not just any steering wheel... The kind that has the personal airbag in the middle. You know the ones where if you hit a pothole the bag explodes and breaks your nose so you don't get hurt. Now just slide the steering wheel into a garbage can, and then aim the whole unit at the tv aerial. Now you need a projectile of some kind. Here's a hint, don't think of it as an antenna, think of it as a headpin. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Well, thank you. No, no. I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. I bought a side of beef, 478 pounds of vein- clogging cholesterol. Yep. I bought a whole half a cow including one horn and two hooves. Yeah. Got it for 38 bucks. Don't ask, I didn't. So now we're going to have a massive cookout, light a shed on fire, get a gallon of bbq sauce and a paint roller and we're good to go. Uncle red! Uncle red! Uncle red! What? What? What? I was downstairs. I was downstairs. I was downstairs, right? I was downstairs. There's like a cow in the freezer. It winked at me. Harold, it didn't wink. It's only got one eye, okay. I bought half a cow. How many times have I told you, don't half a cow, man. I said half a cow. I said that. I said it. You know how tongs work, harold? Yeah, okay, all right. I don't know why you need that much red meat anyway. You know, being a vegetarian is much healthier. Oh yeah, well that cow was a vegetarian. How's her health? You like math, try these numbers, okay? I got that side of pure beef for 38 bucks, okay? It'll feed 300 lodge members at 10 bucks a head. Okay, that's a $3000 return on a $38 investment. I got 2962, what did you get? That's close enough. Okay, all right. Why, what's the problem? Well, I just wondered who would sell you an entire side of beef for $38? Flinty mcclintock. What! No, nope, don't make a big deal out of this. I might want to buy more. Have you ever considered that perhaps that the meat is bad? You know, like it's all gristly or something? It's 478 pounds of beef and it cost $38, harold. Stop looking for trouble. So flinty mcclintock, one of the few successful entrepreneurs in the entire area just didn't know the value of the meat. Well, I don't even care. When I'm happy I don't look for ways to kill the mood. So you figure you just got this great bargain from flinty because, hey, sometimes you should just let an idiot do what he needs to do. Yeah, exactly. Well, do what you need to do then. [ cheers and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this coupon for procrastination therapy. Please note that tomorrow's meeting has been postponed. All right, mike, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... All right, winston. And go! Okay mike, what do you call it when you've got a bunch of guys all wearing the same uniform? A chain gang. Ah, okay, okay. The nhl, the nfl, the nba are all made up of what? Letters. Yeah, okay, okay. But all of the players are on... Steroids. Okay. Mike, you know, when you were a kid at recess, you were picked by a... Witness. Okay, okay, okay. Sometimes the coach will say to the players, there's no "I" in... Potato? No. Okay, no. There's another expression okay, "take one for the..." road! You guys are almost out of time here. I know, mike. Your brother played semi-pro football on one of these. Oh, a weekend pass. No, I'm talking about the port asbestos inhalers, that was his... Well, I don't know, mr. Green, because I never went to those games. The stadium was always teeming with cops. There we go! It was in there! When you first get married you figure, at last, I have someone to bring me drinks and snacks and whatever I want whenever I want it. Then you find out she's thinking the same thing, which is why you have kids. But then they move out, and after you finally admit that dogs and cats are not all that trainable, you're faced with the big decision... Give up your dreams or build a robot. For my robot I'm going to use this wireless video camera that sends a signal to my tv so that I can direct the unit to wherever I want it to go from the comfort of my own living room. I just need to mount the camera on something strong but light. The exact opposite of every guy I know. How easy was that? Everything else I'll get from my own back yard... Or somebody's back yard. Meet my new ladder robot, see-thru-peephole, and like so many of man's great inventions, I had to make a bit of a compromise here. See, I'm using this radio antenna for his extendable arm but I needed a way for it to move up and down and side tde. I thought there might be a way to mount the unit onto a windshield wiper motor for the up and down and then to mount that whole thing onto another wiper motor for the side to side. I'm sure there's a way to do that, but I was starting to get a really bad headache. So instead I mounted the antenna on just one wiper motor but at kind of an angle so it goes up and down and side to side at the same time. It does two things at once but not very well. Kind of like when madonna took up acting. I'm running everything off a car battery and I control the wiper motor and the antenna and the camera with this custom controller. They're actually just garage door openers but you'd never know. Just need a couple more things to make him completely human like a fondue fork for the end of his canadarm so he can stab things and a crowbar to guarantee unrestricted access. The only job left is to figure out a way to make him mobile. Problem solved. I got a couple of heavy-duty radio-controlled toys and mounted them as the robot's wheels. The clothes make him look almost human... Like moose thompson. He can go forwards, backwards and I can steer it which is always helpful. Heck, if I put one vehicle in drive and the other in reverse, I could make him spin right on the spot. And thanks to my video camera, I can see everything he's doing right here on my tv and that's how you make your very own robot valet. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now for a demonstration, my cyborg will bring me a nice, light repast. This is like one of those doctors doing a fancy surgical procedure. This is a snackandectomy. Houston, the eagle has landed. [ motors whirring ] bernice: Thank you, dear. I want to talk to you guys out there who leave everything to the last minute. You know who you are. By the time you got around to buying your wife a birthday present the only shops open were the 7-11 and the liquor store. Remember how upset she was with the bottle of gin and the pez dispenser? I think I know why men leave things to the last minute... Sports and movies. In any professional game, the closer they get to the end the longer it takes, all the time outs and penalties and commercials. No sports fan has any idea of what two minutes left means in real life. And to a man, movies are kind of like being intimate. The best things happen at the end. Until then, there's really no need to pay much attention. But in the last 60 seconds of a movie, the hero bites through the steel chains, leg wrestles a dinosaur and rescues a beautiful maiden just before she marries the game show host. But this procrastination habit of yours is making life difficult for the people you care about and you should work on that but you won't. So instead, turn your watch ahead. And if you're really bad, turn your calendar ahead. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Household appliances are great, but when it comes to sewage, your hoover isn't worth a damn. Well, the beef barbeque is a sell out, 300 guys, 10 bucks a head. Boy, some men just love beef, eh? Moose thompson asked for a drumstick. Uncle red! Uncle red! I think you have a problem here. Yeah, I know but it wasn't nice to lock you out. No, I'm talking about that cheap beef you bought from flinty mcclintock. I think there may be something wrong with it. Why is there always something wrong with everything I do, harold? Just bad luck, I figure. I don't -- harold, take a look at this hamburger, eh. That's right off the side of beef. Look how perfect that is. Appearance isn't important. Well, of course you'd say that. Tell me, what's wrong with that quarter-pounder. Have you ever heard of mad cow disease? I just got back from flinty mcclintock's herd. They don't look right. Well, you just said appearance is not important. No, but posture is. Have you ever noticed those cows? They can't even stand up straight. Maybe that just means it's lean meat. No, I saw those cows, they walk in circles and they bark. Uncle red, you know, I sent a sample of this meat off to the lab, okay. Why don't we just wait for the results to come back? Harold, there's nothing wrong with the meat. Don't ruin my barbeque. Oh, nothing wrong with the meat. No. Nothing wrong with the meat. No. Okay, well, then you eat some yourself. Well, I will. I'll do that. Okay. I'll take a bite and then you just see if I get weird. How will I tell? [ applause ] red: Bill and I were just cleaning up our campsite there and packing everything up into a wheel barrow and my job was to put out the fire. I was just going to kick some dirt on to the fire -- never good enough for bill, you know, mr. Safety's got a problem -- bill, that's not water, that's gas. Don't be pouring that on the fire. So he just chucks -- notices starts to pour gas right into the pile of dirt over there and then I carry on packing things up and he picks up the can of water which unfortunately was also gas. Throws my bed roll on top of it. Thank you very much for that, bill. Okay, plan c. I just ignore bill sometimes, it's just easier and safer. He goes into the shed and gets I believe some type of fire extinguisher... Yeah, fire extinguisher and a little -- one of those small units. They pack a punch those little jobs. Okay, all right, plan d. A bigger fire extinguisher. These are the co2. What they do is they put carbon dioxide out and that smothers the fire by taking all the oxygen out of the air. So bill's just going to do that to -- no, bill, there's a pin. There's a pin on the unit. You pull the pin -- yeah. So now bill took a lungful of carbon dioxide. He needs some air I figure just little -- give him a little bit of air and he's fine but the fire's still going. So where are we now? Plan e, plan e. Yeah, all right. Meanwhile, I'm almost finished getting the place cleaned up and ready to go. He's got some -- okay, baking soda, that's another fire retardant. Speaking of retardants. Nope, didn't do it. Didn't do it, bill. So now what are we going to do? No no bill. No, no, bill, no, no. You're just spreading cinders all over the place there. No, we've got to... Oh good, good call. There we go. That's the best use that coffee ever had, believe me. All right, plan f, this one scares me just by the letter. So bill goes into the shed and he gets a couple of shovels. The idea is we're going to use the same idea as kicking the dirt on but if we get a shovelful... So he gives me one shovel and says, you go over there. Get some dirt from over there. I'll get dirt from right here. I think you -- right where the gasoline had spilled into the... Yeah. Meanwhile, just very simple, I come over with some dry, clean dirt and just put it on there. She's out. Done. Everything's cool. Gone. Done. Done, bill, done. See. If you leave it to a pro, everything works out. [ cheers and applause ] okay, here's a predicament that many of you may find yourselves in. Let's say your mother-in-law's coming over but wait, there's more. You don't have a picture of her on display or at least not on display in a way she would appreciate. The problem is, you need to have certain pictures around when a person comes over but you don't want to be subjected to their mug on a permanent basis. So here's what you do. Take a picture out of the frame, flip it around to the other side. That becomes your screen. That screen is for your hidden slide projector. So you just fill this up with whatever pictures you need for your family get-togethers but you also have your own favourites in there for when they're not here. Which, if you play your cards right, is most of the time. For example, I've got some slides of bernice's mom from our trip to the zoo about a month ago. I'll just pop one of those up and keep peace in the family. [ knock at door ] that's bernice's mom now. C'mon in, mom. I got your picture out. She's going to love this. [ footsteps approaching ] [ applause ] c'mon harold, this is perfectly good -- this is perfectly good -- throw it all on! Get rid of it all! But it's -- it's -- look at that, it's -- every last bit of it! You can't trust it. There you go. Almost. All of it. Perfect. Can't believe it. 478 pounds of beef, man... I put all the meat on the campfire, just couldn't serve it to the people what with all that mad cow thing going on and I gave them all a refund. Yeah, only after I told them all about the problem. You know, you did the right thing. You should do that more often. Yeah, maybe I should but I think you'd miss me. Well, I'm proud of you. You know, even before we got the test results back, you know, you did the right thing and that's very good. I could just give you such a hug. No, no, harold. No, no. No! I'm very proud of you. Well, you know, harold, in fairness, you were the one who pointed out the problem and I know sometimes I can be a little difficult. You're impossible. I know sometimes I can be a little difficult but you pushed through that and I guess, in a way -- I mean, a way of looking at would be to say, you know I'm kind of, you know, well -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm proud of you too, harold. Red, we're okay! Is this a bad time? No, no, no, no, no, no. What do you mean, we're okay? The results are back. It's not mad cow disease. No, the feed corn at the cattlery was in the silo too long and it turned to alcohol. The cows were drunk. Oh no, no, no. Not drunk, marinated. You know what that means, we can serve the beef after all. Yeah! Might be a little too well done. And too hard to find. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Why, thank you, harold and as always, it's such a treat to have you to tell me what to do. You're welcome. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I did something today I'd never done before... I erred on the side of caution. That won't be happening any time soon. For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, everybody, have a seat now. C'mon, guys. Guys, c'mon, take your seats. Sit down. Everybody sit down over there. C'mon guys, sit down. Okay, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. Okay, men, the side of beef blowing up has made a bit of an impact into our community. We figure about 200 pounds of hamburger hit possum lake so... The fish may not be biting for a while and stinky peterson got drilled in the face with a rump roast. His wife says he never looked better. And the dog comes to him now. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com